Civility is a Strategy: 6 Pillars that Support Great Leadership

Shelby Joy Scarbrough (EO Pacific Diamond Bridge) is an entrepreneur based in Northern California, a public speaker, author of "Civility Rules! Creating a Purposeful Practice of Civility” and co-founder of the Global School of Entrepreneurship, which offers accredited MBA and Ph.D. degrees.

When people find out I wrote a book on civility, I often get the same reaction: a polite smile, a slight tilt of the head, and something like, “Oh, that is … sweet.” As if civility were a topic for finishing schools and etiquette columns — charming, perhaps, but not exactly urgent. Or they will say, “Can you please ask so and so to read it?” As if civility is someone else’s responsibility.

As we discuss it further, I share where I learned it: in the halls of the White House, the State Department, the Kremlin, and Buckingham Palace. I also learned it close to home. My ex-husband and I are still business partners. As far as I am concerned, that is a triumph of civility.

For me, the lesson is that civility is not sweet; it is strategic. When we run businesses without treating civility as a core practice, we leave one of the most effective tools for entrepreneurship buried deep in our toolbox.

Think of civility as a muscle. If we do not develop it and use it regularly, it atrophies. Then, when the pressure is on, and we try to flex, it just is not there when we need it. That is why I call civility a purposeful practice. Like medicine or law, it is something we keep working at — building the habit before we need it.

Civility Is Not About Being Nice

One way to understand civility is to understand what it is not. Civility is not about being pleasant. We are not softening our edges or swallowing hard truths simply to keep the peace. Honesty is a crucial component of civility.

Civility is saying what needs to be said in a way another person can actually hear.

In a tense negotiation, performance review, or difficult conversation with a client, the civil approach is not passive. We are not abandoning our position. We are delivering it in a way that can land and stick.

The Six Pillars of Civility

The Six Pillars of Civility 

1. Humility
2. Respect
3. Trust
4. Courtesy
5. Honor and Dignity
6. Start with "I" 

Over years of studying civility and trying to live it, often under intense pressure to perform at the highest levels, I have come to see six pillars that support it: humility, respect, trust, courtesy, honor, and dignity.

These are not abstract virtues. They are strategic imperatives that can be operationalized. Each one shows up daily in how we run our businesses and lead our teams. Here is what they look like in practice.

1. Humility

My father used to say, “Think like an owner.”

Many people hear that and assume it means walking around acting like we own the place — pulling rank or demanding deference. He actually meant the opposite. Thinking like an owner means constantly asking: What needs to be done? What can we do to move this forward? Where is there a need we can fill?

I learned this at the tender age of 14 while working in my family’s Burger King restaurants. If I were at the sandwich board and there were no orders, I would not stand still. I cleaned my station, restocked cups, or carried tomatoes out of the walk-in for the prep cook.

There is and always has been something useful to do for the benefit of the whole.

Humility is the willingness to set aside rank and ask what the situation requires of us. In business, it shows up in small but meaningful ways such as greeting people by name, arriving prepared, and listening fully instead of waiting for our turn to speak.

These are not solely soft skills. They are signals about whether others can depend on us and see themselves in us.

2. Respect

EO Forums are excellent arenas to practice civility, especially respect. One example is the convention that members share experiences rather than give advice.

The difference matters enormously. When we say, “You should do X,” we place ourselves in a position of authority over someone else’s life or business. When we say, “Here is what I did and what happened,” we respect their autonomy to draw their own conclusions. 

We choose a profound act of civility by not “should-ing” one another.

This principle extends far beyond EO. In any business relationship with clients, partners, or colleagues, respect means giving others the opportunity to decide for themselves. When we lead with experience rather than prescription, we create the conditions for genuine collaboration. People engage differently when they feel respected rather than managed.

3. Trust

Another of EO’s elegant structural choices is its non-solicitation norm: members do not sell to one another.

At first, this can seem counterintuitive. We are surrounded by successful entrepreneurs. Why would we not build business relationships? But that is exactly the point: By removing the transactional friction, the norm allows us to get to know one another without wondering what the angle might be.

Trust grows faster and is far more durable because it was never transactional.

We can use the same idea in our own businesses. Relationships based on genuine interest last longer than those based on immediate gain. When every interaction feels like a sales pitch, we weaken the trust that encourages people to work with us over the long term.

4. Courtesy

Civility is often reduced to manners when the real issue is courtesy. To illustrate this, picture a bridge. We stand on the edge of a cliff. On the other side is where we want to be: the deal closed, the relationship repaired, or the negotiation resolved. 

The bridge that connects those two sides is courtesy. Manners are the vehicles on that bridge. They change in look and feel, but their purpose is to carry us across the bridge and create the conditions for demonstrating courteous behavior that takes into account what works for the other party. 

Just as we are no longer driving Model Ts, the norms that governed business in 1955, 1975, and 1995 are not the norms today. We also do not all drive the same type of vehicle, and we can make room for different modalities. Cross-cultural business relationships are a perfect example. 

In my years working in protocol and diplomacy, I learned that while slurping soup loudly is considered rude in a Western context, it is a compliment in many Eastern ones.  Because the manners are different does not automatically imply discourtesy.

The question we always need to ask is: What is the intent? What is the other person trying to communicate, and how can we best interpret it? Understanding that is a foundation for every successful business transaction.

EO Forums also establish simple codes of courtesy: show up on time, come prepared, put the phone away, and be fully present. These are not laws. No one goes to jail for being late. But there is a social compact that helps create personal accountability.

Everyone in the room knows what is expected, and that shared understanding changes how people show up. We can build the same kind of culture in our organizations by establishing agreed-upon norms for how we treat one another. Norms imposed from above are rules. Norms developed together are culture.

Courtesy, practiced consistently, is what makes a culture feel like a place people want to be.

5. Honor and Dignity

Not long ago, I was traveling with an EO group through a foreign airport when the women in our party were separated and held in a side room for no apparent reason while the men walked straight to the plane.

I was beginning to lose my composure when my EO colleague gently put his hand on my arm and said, “Not today, Shelby.” He was not wrong. We were guests in another country, and the stakes were real. While for me that moment truly felt like compliance and complicity with a cultural norm I detest, I worked to resolve the issue without creating an international incident. 

Civility is not swallowing injustice to keep the peace. It is the discipline to choose how and when we respond, so that our responses are effective. This happens constantly in business — when a client moves the goalposts, a partner takes credit for our work, or a negotiator operates in bad faith. Civility means responding honestly, proportionately, and strategically rather than reactively.

Honor is knowing when to hold our ground. Dignity is doing it in a way that does not cost us the relationship or our integrity, which is not always easy.

The goal is always to reach the other side of the bridge.

6. Start With "I"

When CEOs and founders ask where to begin, my answer is always the same: start with oneself.

It is easy to look around and identify sources of incivility. It is much harder to examine our own patterns: the meetings we show up to unprepared, the people whose names we do not know, the moments we interrupt before someone finishes their thought.

Civility is Contagious 

It flows from those who hold power in an organization and spreads outward. If it does not start at the top, no policy or program will compensate for it.

We do not need to overhaul a culture overnight. We can start small. Learn someone’s name we did not know before. Listen carefully in the next difficult conversation. Keep a commitment we might otherwise let slide.

These are the repetitions that build the civility muscle.

And when we build that muscle, business flows much more smoothly because we have become people worth following.

Shelby had her first taste of civility as a presidential trip coordinator at the White House and as a protocol officer at the U.S. Department of State. She enjoys connecting EO members and fostering common ground wherever she walks. Interested in becoming an EO member like Shelby? Learn more here.