What Divorce Taught Me About Conflict -- And Why It Matters in Business

By Bill Benjamin, co-founder of the Institute for Health and Human Potential, where he helps organizations build Last 8% cultures through neuroscience-based emotional intelligence strategies. Bill was a guest presenter to the EO Global Learning Community, where he shared the following framework for difficult conversations.

I usually focus on business in my writing, but as I mark the one-year anniversary of my 20-year marriage officially ending, I thought I'd share some thoughts on a more personal topic.

Being a math guy, the work I most admire on marriages comes from John Gottman, whose research-based approach has studied thousands of couples since 1972. What makes his work remarkable is rigorous scientific data that can predict with 91% accuracy whether a couple will stay happily together after watching them interact for just five minutes.

That's unheard-of predictive validity.

What Gottman found makes marriages work is surprisingly simple: Can couples keep their negative thoughts and feelings about each other from overwhelming their positive ones? In our vernacular, it's whether couples can approach their Last 8% moments—the difficult conversations and decisions all couples face—while staying positive and showing up with care and kindness.

This is something I found myself struggling with in my marriage. When we’d have conflict, my mind would go to “Here we go again”, “She just won't change”, “It’s is always going to be like this”, “I can't do this anymore”. All of that is very negative, blaming, and global thinking that not only makes it harder to deal with conflict, but adds a huge amount of anxiety and stress. 

In my new relationship, when I am in a Last 8% moment with my girlfriend, I try to listen and understand her point of view. When it comes time for me to express my concerns, I focus on the particular issue we are dealing with and how it makes me feel, while remembering all the other amazing and positive qualities she has. That allows me to approach conflict with more care and kindness.

Of course, I am not perfect at this, and it’s especially hard when I am feeling triggered. So, let's look at some of the most common triggers:

The Four Horsemen That Destroy Relationships

Gottman identified four behaviors that are particularly toxic: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Recognizing these patterns has been crucial for my own growth and has informed how I approach my new relationship.

1. Criticism was probably my biggest challenge. When expressing frustration or giving feedback in a Last 8% moment, it's easy for me to communicate in a critical way — "You did this, you're the problem" — instead of focusing on how I’m being impacted. I can come on too strong in these moments. We call this “making a mess” because it’s so hurtful and destructive.

The difference between "You never listen to me" and "I felt unheard when ..." seems small, but it can make a huge difference because it’s less likely to make the other person defensive (Horseman #3).

2. Contempt is the most destructive. Once you start feeling disrespected or undervalued — on either side — it becomes incredibly difficult to live with someone. I now understand the importance of addressing contempt the moment it begins to seep into a relationship.

3. Defensiveness creates a vicious cycle. When I feel criticized, I often get defensive, so my girlfriend doesn't feel heard, leading to frustration for her and sometimes more criticism. I’m learning to recognize this pattern and interrupt it — by saying "I'm feeling defensive. Can you say that in a different way or can we approach this differently?” 

When I am especially triggered, we’ve agreed to separate for a few minutes and come back together when we are both calmer. Sometimes it takes more than a few minutes!

4. Stonewalling affects many people whose default is to avoid difficult Last 8% conversations rather than address them. This means the issues and concerns are not getting addressed, and that can build up toxicity in the relationship. While I tend to make a mess rather than avoid, I've seen in the coaching I do how damaging it is when people shut down rather than speak their truth.

What's the Same at Work and at Home

The brain science of emotions that drives us to either avoid or make a mess of Last 8% conversations is identical whether you're at work or home — it's just more intense in romantic relationships because feelings are stronger and there's often unresolved conflict. We also get a little more leeway in our behavior at home than we do at work.

The goal is the same at work and at home: Not avoiding the discomfort of conflict, but also not making a mess. Finding that middle ground where you can step into Last 8% moments skillfully, with both courage and care.

What I'm Applying Moving Forward

Moving forward, I'm committed to managing myself first — the oxygen mask analogy. No matter your words, if you're anxious or frustrated, the other person will feel it.

I've embraced "finding the understandable part" — maybe I don't like what someone's saying, but what's the understandable part? It doesn't mean agreeing or having to be wrong — it means acknowledging their point of view so they feel heard.

The agreement to pause when either person feels triggered is something that has really helped me in my new relationship. Being able to say "I'm feeling defensive" prevents the escalation that can cause so much damage

The Advice I Wish I'd Had

Divorce sucks. Nobody gets married thinking it will end this way. Some things to keep in mind if you are going through divorce, a break up, or just having conflict in your relationship:

• It's going to be okay. Divorce is hard and anxiety-provoking, but you will get through it. You might even end up in a better place. It was very challenging for me, but I am even closer to my daughter now and have an amazing new relationship.
• Don't put the kids in the middle. We all know this, but it’s hard. Minimizing disagreement or conflict in front of your children and not saying negative things about the other person to your kids, regardless of their ages, will make a huge difference in their mental well-being. Divorce is hard on the kids too.
• Focus on what you can control. Don't underestimate how much you can change a relationship by changing yourself — how you show up, interact, and react. We tend to spend a lot of time trying to change the other person, but we need to start with ourselves. And then the other person often adjusts their behavior because we’ve changed.
• Have balanced conversations with friends. We all need friends to talk to, but if you only share the negative about your partner or blame them for everything, you'll get bad advice because they're only hearing one side. Plus, if you do decide to stay with the person, your friends won’t be so biased against them.

The Business Connection

What strikes me most is how this work influences everything we do. We're not different people at work versus home. When we practice listening to employees, we become better at listening to partners and spouses. The Last 8% moments that keep us up at night — whether giving employee feedback or addressing spousal conflict — require the same foundational skills: self-awareness, emotional management, empathy, and courage. 

Research from the University of Georgia confirms that couples who address conflict using humor and affection show significantly healthier cortisol levels over time. The same principle applies to high-performing teams and cultures. 

The difficult Last 8% conversations we face aren't obstacles to relationships — when handled skillfully, they are opportunities to deepen it.